THE CICAK.com

Confessions of a developer

By SAMIR HARITH

Disclaimer: This article is intended as a parody and commentary on the latest string of developer-related mishaps. The views expressed in this article do not reflect the views of the author or any developing company. They merely represent a fictional “evil� developer. Any resemblance to those alive or dead is purely coincidental.

Oh dear, another landslide, oh, what a horrible loss of life… my condolences to those who care. OK now, time for us to move on and get on with our lives; there is money to be made!!

What’s that? You ask if I feel guilty getting rich off the deaths of a few dozen people?

Are you making me look like the bad guy here?

You know what?

I’m sick of people calling me a bad guy, the “evil� developer. I will have you know that those houses you’re living in, yes, that very high-rise, that penthouse, that bungalow, semi-d, or whatever little hovel you are holed up in, was built by none other than yours truly. So please, show me some gratitude.

Without me, you people would still be staying in mud-huts with nipah roofs with grass skirt-wearing ulu nuts as your neighbours.

You want that?

The ones who died, well, they’re collateral damage, really. It’s all in the name of progress. I mean, of course I mourn their deaths, but what can I do about it?

I can’t bring them back to life. If you want to bitch about their deaths, bring it up with God. Isn’t He the one who determines who lives and dies… or something like that…?

Besides, the ones who died were mostly illegals and those whose lives were mired in poverty and suffering. Death was probably the kindest thing which could ever have happened to them.

Now I have hundreds of ingrates on my back, each one of them calling me names like “negligent,� “irresponsible� and “greedy.� Honestly, bugger them all for not realising all the good I have done for them.

I can be charitable too. I can name several families of the authorities whose lives I have improved, charities which you heathens call “bribes.� That is such a crude word; all I do is provide them with a better standard of living for a simple signature on a piece of paper. How can that be a crime?

Now, 70 percent of Malaysia is still untouched, pristine rainforest; I intend to change all that. I mean, who need rainforests anyway?

I find they are a perfectly good waste of building materials and building space, plus they are downright inhospitable, what with the mosquitoes, weird noises and strange smells. If I had it my way, I’d clear ‘em all for development. Now that would be putting it to good use!

One day, there shall be homes for everyone – or rather, everyone who can afford it, of course. And those ulu nuts, mosquitoes, and those hideous forest critters will be a thing of the past.

This is development, people. If you don’t like it, tough! The only constant thing is change… duh!

Now then, I’m just a simple man, who is trying to make a living in this world. I help those who help me in return. That is my simple philosophy.

It’s not that I overcharge; I just charge enough to pay my loyal followers, whom you called underpaid employees – with enough left over to maintain my three mansions, four BMWs, five Mercedes, two limited-edition seafarer yachts, and my state-of-the-art underwater house.

My achievements have been recognised by many great leaders. In fact, Satan himself is so impressed with my work that he has contracted me to develop blast furnaces in hell. Apparently the fire-pits were getting too old.

Anyway, I have a rather busy schedule, you know, planning the development of your future homes and stuff like that.

Oh well, my helicopter is here.

There are jungles to be cleared and hills to be raped!
–
SAMIR HARITH is an editor for theCICAK.

Samir, also known as Sam, is a right-, upper-, centre-, and diagonal-left-winger. Although currently pursuing a certified Association of Chartered Certified Accountants qualification, he does not intend to crunch numbers for the rest of his life. Deceptively naive and silently observant, his weaknesses include cute girls and computer games. Visit his site.