THE CICAK.com

Political football: Where the home team doesn’t always win

By THE MARQUIS

I am quite dissatisfied with the state of football recently.

It is not because Manchester United was sold off to an American, nor because Malaysian football, in light of our embarrassing defeat by the Singaporean Tigers, has clearly been reduced to nothing but a whimper from the glory days of the 60s.

This article isn’t about ordinary football, it’s about another ballgame - political football.

Political football is a dirty game. It is tricky, manipulative and corrupted, and usually played by weasel-like politicians. It is downright unfair and exploitative, and there’s no shame in using an issue to stir up division so as to ensure that every other weaselly player is too disunited to play effectively against oneself. The only objective in this game is self-interest. It is making sure all the smart ones get eliminated so one can feel safe knowing that one is a half-brained chap playing the game in a no-brain environment – all in the name of democracy and justice.

For example, the latest “Crimean War� involved much politicking, uncultured name-calling and backstabbing, even among those of the same ruling coalition. What happened was that the Malaysian Medical Council, a statutory body of the government involved in regulating the medical profession, decided to derecognise medical degrees from the Crimea State Medical University – a school whose degrees they had brought into official recognition only four years ago. There are more than a thousand Malaysian students studying there, all of whose livelihoods were suddenly at stake. Hence, this started out merely as an administrative and educational problem at first – that is, before the football began…

First, Deputy Health Minister Dr. Abdul Latiff Ahmad explained the reasons for the derecognition in response to Natural Resources and Environment Deputy Minister S. Sothinathan’s query n the incident.

Then, DAP Ipoh Barat MP S. Kulasegaran joined in the fray, supporting Sothinathan when he sensed that the enforced solidarity of the backbenchers was breaking up. And all of a sudden, Nazri Abdul Aziz, Minister in the PM’s Office in charge of Parliamentary affairs stood up and called on him to “duduk, racist! duduk!â€? (“Sit, racist! Sit!â€?). He went on to shout the words “racistâ€? and “perkaumanâ€? many times more, even though what it is that got him riled seems a mystery, for there weren’t many racist insults hurled around apart from his outburst.

S. Samy Vellu also said that the Malaysian Medical Council decision was made to deprive Indians of becoming doctors – never mind that the MMC actually sent some Indian Malaysians on scholarship to Crimea.

Oh no, another simple administrative decision gone racial. Not again.

Let’s all look at this objectively. What is the racial ratio of Malaysian students studying there? According to Jeff Ooi’s Screenshots, there are 470 Indians, 300 Malays and 240 Chinese studying at Crimean State Medical University. Didn’t Samy Vellu say that it’s an Indian problem? Didn’t Sothinathan say that he was only standing up for his community by arguing with the deputy prime minister in Parliament? So was it just a matter of martyring themselves in the eyes of the community?

This is a classic example of political football.

Goalposts aren’t merely shifting. New ones are sprouting up overnight. Everything acquires a racial slant – as we’ve just seen with Crimean State Medical University’s derecognition. Heck, even simple matters like inner-city development (wakaf land in Penang), the freeze on government construction projects (relied upon by Class F Contractors, a vast majority of them Bumiputras), sharing of school compounds (Vision school issue) and many more can turn into racial issues. And this could only happen in Malaysia.

For a moment, in the heat of that infamous verbal brawl in Parliament, everybody forgot that those derecognised medical students are all Malaysians as well. And for a moment, it became merely an Indian issue, and the 540 Malay and Chinese students were forgotten in the headlong rush towards scoring own goals by our dear MPs at the expense of national unity.

When we are in a country where all parties are divided by race or religion, that such things can happen is a no-brainer. After all, race and religion are the “raison d’etre” of such a political set-up in the first place.

These parties would cease to legitimately exist without linking ethnic rights to the cleanliness of drains, religion, ethnic language rights and Michael Jackson’s court updates.

Other funny moments in political football:

FOUL: When politicians suffer from SARS (Special Attention Required Syndrome), where they say something stupid just to attract attention. Sometimes even the so-called educated public isn’t immune, for people in chatrooms and online forums periodically become embroiled in partisan politics (non-Malay anger at Malay special rights, Malay anger at non-Malay anger at Malay special rights).

YELLOW CARD: For Malaysian politicians (especially those from the government) who talk things without logic, i.e. foot-in-mouth disease. For example, they might talk about building world-class universities when we all know that the huge brain drain from Malaysia is due to precisely their very own policies.

RED CARD: When politicians go too far, like threatening to burn down the assembly hall of another ethnic group when civilised negotiations couldn’t reach a compromise.

PENALTY KICK: when government projects fail spectacularly due to corruption and inefficiency, which will force everything back to the drawing board. Examples are Perwaja Steel, Bakun Dam etc.

THE REFEREE: What do you mean, the referee? Everybody wants to become a referee nowadays, because they think that a referee is just a slightly more esteemed player in political football. Too often our “clever and articulate� MPs hurl insults at each other so as to referee the situation to their own liking. Imagine a (real) football game where hordes of referees swamp the field, whistling in every direction, and leave the clueless players in the lurch.

Anyway, enough talk about political football. It is really exciting, but it gets irritating after a while, and it won’t be long before hordes of angry spectators begin to demand that the game is played by rules and ethics. It is bad enough to see your own so-called united government laundering their dirty underwear in public. It is worse when everybody wants to be a star player and shoots any goal they can find. We can now understand what “by hook or by crook� really means in politics – I mean, football.

Suddenly the boredom of watching Malaysian League games doesn’t seem so bad after all. At least there are rules. And there are only two goalposts – thus, easier to understand.

So, bring out the kacang putih. Make sure we do the Mexican wave when we see political football antics on television next time.

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THE MARQUIS is a contributing writer for theCICAK.

A hedonistic and inconsiderate hack, the Marquis likes to find flaws in people’s arguments, and loves watching their faces turn blue from anger. He used to frequent the bright lights of mamak stalls before being banished to a foreign country and made to study for the benefit of the Malaysian system. The Marquis hides behind various monickers on the Internet, so you won’t find him if you’re pissed off by his writing. Visit his site.